nullification surgery

jump to:

• the actual surgery
• Q & A
• resources

this blog post focuses on how i figured out that i wanted this, everything leading up to the surgery, the actual surgery and the beginning of my recovery. i'll write another blog post at some point focusing on what living with a null patch is like

acknowledgement

so i had the surgery i've been wanting to get for a while. i'll start this by acknowledging that i'm incredibly lucky to have been able to get this surgery. a lot of things had to align for it to happen, including but no limited to: the country i live in, where in it i live, having access to good insurance, fulfilling the requirements the insurance company imposes, being able to afford the costs not covered by insurance, being in (relatively) good health, having someone to drive me to and from the hospital and to help me out while i recover.

note

the surgery i got was sensitivity-preserving. the sensitive tissues are kept under the skin and once i'm healed up i'll be able to feel pleasure and reach an orgasm like before. it seems like most assume "nullification" just means they remove everything outright (which it can, but not in my case). just thought i'd get this out of the way first. also there's a urethral opening just out of view so yes i can still pee.

why null?

i'll start off by saying that my bottom dysphoria has never been particularly bad. i wasn't like, happy about having a dick, but it never bothered me too much. i started my transition in the czech republic where the official paths try to (or at least they did at the time) push you into getting the bottom surgery. for transfem people there is one surgeon in the country who does one type of surgery and that's the option you have. my doc was somewhat pushy about it and it did get me considering it but it just, really did not seem like something i wanted, so i declined.

at some point after starting my transition i started seeing "null" as a kink theme in furry porn - essentially characters without genitals, ones who've previously had them, in some kind of situations that highlighted this theme. it was almost always centered around orgasm denial. i was really into this, something about it just resonated with me. at this point i knew i was really into chastity and orgasm denial in general so i figured it just related to that. but there was more to it.

i explored this theme a bunch through my art, drawing my character as null - one time i even drew a whole comic about my sona (deer) being nullified (this is still the only multi-page comic i've drawn!!). i was also trying out a bunch of different genital configurations (did you know my sona had a horsecock for a long while?), but i always vibed with this one the most. i started seeing more furry art exploring null as a gender thing rather than a denial kink thing, and a lot of it really resonated with me. this one comic by avi comes to mind especially, something about it just clicked.

eventually i figured out that this is just, how i'd like to be. no hole, no stick, just a smooth unobtrusive patch, but one that can still receive pleasure. it felt ,,,, right.

out of reach

for the longest time i didn't know a surgery like this was like, a thing. honestly for a long time i didn't even know there were others who wanted this sort of thing, i didn't know anyone who wanted anything other than a dick or a vagina, it felt kind of, isolating. it's a big part of why i'm being so open about this.

i knew penectomies existed and weren't particularly hard to get, but i needed to be able to receive pleasure and orgasm, so that was not something i wanted. the idea of not being able to do either of those things scared me.

at one point someone linked me to a twitter user who had gotten a surgery like this - a sensitivity preserving nullification. this was my first exposure to this as a thing in the real world. the user was a gay man who got the surgery as a kink thing. curious, i looked into this a bunch, and from the limited resources available i found out that this surgery was in fact a thing! the results didn't look completely smooth, there was a scar running down the middle, a pee hole towards the bottom, and a bump where the sensitive parts of the penis had been buried under the skin (the one i got avoids the bump). it didn't look as pretty as the null patches i'd seen in furry art, but it looked good, and for the first time i felt a sense of like, seeing something i'd actually be willing to go through surgery for.

unfortunately as i looked into this more it was seeming like only a few surgeons in the san francisco area were willing to perform this surgery. it was very expensive and they had you sign a no disclosure agreement as they did not want such a non-standard surgery to "taint" their reputation. it was,, really sad, and also the last time i looked into this thing for a while. what i took away was that this was out of reach for me and not something i should bother thinking about.

deciding on the surgery

at one point i posted on cohost that if a sensitivity-preserving null surgery was a thing i'd 100% be getting it. it was meant as a simple throwaway post, but someone i'd known for a while at that point commented on it, saying that what i was sharing was inaccurate as the surgery is, in fact, a thing (this was joy, it's crowdfunding in hopes of getting the surgery itself, please go support it if you can!!). what followed was me quickly learning that there are a whole bunch of surgeons out there who openly offer this as an option, a lot of them working with insurance companies to get this covered as a gender-affirming procedure. and one of them was only an hour away from where i now lived.

it was wild, this thing i've been daydreaming about for so long that i'd given up on ever getting to experience for real, suddenly within reach. i started researching, looking into this surgeon, talking to people who had the surgery. what they offer is a sensitivity-preserving nullification surgery where they bury the sensitive bits of one's dick under the skin and leave a small hole to pee out of just out of sight. the goal is to preserve as much sensitivity as possible, but they're happy to customize things however one likes, as long as it's reasonably achievable and not dangerous. it all seemed too good to be real. eventually, i booked a consultation.

i drove down to DC for the consultation, ready with a list of questions to ask. the office was really nice, the staff very pleasant - some of them queer / trans folks !! that was really comforting to see. i talked to the surgeon, who's honestly such a nice guy - and not just for a surgeon. he gave me a rundown of what the surgery was like, answered most of my questions before i even had a chance to ask them. i asked about the few things he didn't cover and he was very happy to explain everything in detail. he treated me with respect, didn't dismiss anything and at no point did i feel like i was bothering him. it was all so surreal, talking about this thing i'd been daydreaming about for so long with a surgeon who does this for real - then being told that i was the 4th person that day to have a consultation with him regarding a nullification.

i scheduled the surgery before i left their office. there was no gatekeeping, no lengthy process of going through multiple different doctors just to determine whether i'm ready, none of that - just a lady with an ipad and me deciding on a date. i had a gotten an orchiectomy a few months prior, mostly to not have to deal with testosterone blockers anymore (though later found it very gender to be neutered), and this was just, so much smoother and easier. they would've been able to do it like a month out (which was wild!!), but i gave myself 6 months to think on it.

the wait

my insurance company made me get a letter from a therapist confirming the medical necessity of the surgery - the only bit of gatekeeping i encountered here, entirely imposed by the insurance company and them alone. i just asked my therapist to do this for me, but there are therapists online who will do this for you along with the required gender dysphoria diagnosis FOR FREE - just look it up!

other than that (and one blood test later), i had nothing to do for 6 months but wait. i thought about it a lot during these 6 months, but at no point was i unsure whether i wanted this. i had the occasional thoughts, "do i really want this?" / "what if i regret it or change my mind later?" / "what if it's ugly?" "what if it doesn't work?", but all of these i could easily dismiss in my mind immediately - i knew i wanted this. this was different from when i was having the orchiectomy, where i had plenty of doubts and uncertainty.

i knew it was happening but it didn't feel,,, real. i struggle a lot with visualizing things that are happening far enough out, it's hard to make them feel real in my mind. but as the day got closer there were more and more moments where it just hit me like a truck, the sudden realization that i was really doing this, that i was actually going to be null, in real life, permanently, forever. i couldn't wait.

as it got closer to the day of the surgery i started having panic attacks. i don't normally have these, i haven't had many in my life before this point, but now i was having them like, weekly. i'm a very anxious creature and unfortunately a major life event like this, as much as i know for certain that i want it,,, it made me so anxious. i had so many worries going through my head constantly. it was genuinely awful, i found myself crying a lot, at this point i was more excited for the wait to be over than for what the surgery would bring.

the surgery

before i knew it i found myself sleeping in a hotel in DC. i had to be at the hospital at 5am and DC is an hour to two hours away so i figured it'd be better to sleep there that night. my owner was there with me. i was anxious, but honestly not as anxious as i thought i would be. i managed to get some sleep, even.

the next day, i was calm. the anxiety was gone. i got up, got ready, and walked to the hospital with my owner. we got checked in and before i knew it i was lying on a bed in the pre-op room. everyone at the hospital was so nice, not at all like what i'm used to. they put in an epidural (genuinely the worst physical feeling i've ever experienced in my life), i got to chat with my surgeon a little, confirm what i was getting, then say bye to my owner before i was taken to the surgery room.

i woke up from a dream. i felt chill, ready to start my day, thinking about the chores i'd have to do. but then i heard the people talking around me, the beeping of the machines. i opened my eyes. everything was blurry but it hit me - oh right. the surgery. anesthesia is funny like that. i slowly woke up, realizing that it was done, that my dick was now gone forever. i couldn't stop shaking, the feeling was overwhelming. soon my owner came in, i was so happy to see him.

the recovery

i'll be brief about this as it was all kind of a blur. i was not allowed to leave my bed for 2 days straight because of the tube going into my spine that was there to help with the pain. the first day i was pretty out of it on painkillers, but by the second day the pain was gone and i was just,,, i felt so bored, so gross, so restless. it made it hard to focus on why i was there. my owner came to visit every day and my friends were there for me, which made it a lot easier to get through. the nurses were all so nice, some of them seemed so genuinely happy for me, one i later learned was trans(!!). anyway, the surgery was on tuesday and i left the hospital thursday evening.

as i write this i'm at home, splayed on the couch with a donut under my butt to take pressure off the area. the whole area's swollen and bruised up with a big red scar running down the middle, not exactly pretty to look at. there's a tube coming out of my urethra connected to a bag that's strapped to my leg. i'm sore, tired, constipated, i can barely move, i hate emptying the pee bag i hate the antibiotics i hate feeling so useless. but,,

none of that bothers me.

i'm null now !!! i have a null patch !!!!!! i won't be able to do anything with it for a month but i have it now and nobody can take it away from me !!!! i'm so happy !!!!!!!!!! i'm so so so so happy

it feels so good. my body's a little closer to the way it should be. that stupid thing's gone, forever. my friends are all so happy for me, they know how badly i wanted this. wah. it almost doesn't feel real.

,, anyway. on thursday i have a check-up appointment where i'm getting the catheter taken out - it's gonna be interesting to have to learn how to pee again. the appointment was originally on monday, but that's inaugration day and the office is in DC so for my safety i asked to reschedule. i'm told the discoloration and swelling should all be gone in 4-6 weeks. i'm allowed to paw off again a month after surgery. i'm so excited to explore things. i'll write more about that in part 2, but for now, it's time to focus on recovering

Q & A

i had a q&a form open for a little bit where i let critters ask questions, here are my answers!! if there's anything else you wanna ask about, please email me at pebble@critter.cafe - i promise no question is too dumb!

i'll get into this more in part 2 as i'm not able to try this out for myself yet, but from what i've heard from others who've had this it feels exactly how you'd imagine this kind of thing to feel. there's an erogenous spot around the middle that can be stimulated using all kinds of means, generally from what i've read most peeps who get this done find a vibrator to feel the best. i ,,,, managed to find the pleasure spot on accident the other day and it feels way more sensitive than i was preparing for it to feel. i'll just say it's gonna make it hard to get through the 30 days of no pawing off.

yeah! the surgeon who did it has his own private practice but they take insurance and perform the surgeries at a regular hospital. i find a lot of "proper channel" trans doctors or w/e don't know about this or will try to push you away from this because it's "non standard" and "more risky" but don't let them scare you, they're just afraid of what they don't know (and losing a customer). i'd recommend looking for a surgeon/practice that offers this directly. i got mine here and i put a link to a website with a whole list of them in the resources section below.

there's a small pee hole below the null patch! it's mostly out of view but it'll be visible from certain angles. there are two main styles of it that i've seen - one just goes straight out (this one is riskier as there's a higher chance of it healing over) while the other is a short "slit" where the urethra is cut off diagonally, this is the one i got. here is an example of what that looks like (publicly posted on twitter by kenuff)

i can't answer what stimulation feels like from experience yet as i'm not allowed to touch myself in that way for a month post-op. the way the surgery's done is that they keep the sensitive parts of your dick under your skin, buried deep enough that they don't cause a visible bump but are still able to receive pleasure. i'm told the feeling is somewhat more muted but that it's still easy enough to cum if you use a vibrator. with that in mind i'll mention i've been exclusively pawing off with a vibrator through a blanket while imagining it's a null patch for like a year now, so personally i'm not too worried about losing some sensitivity.

i've been able to touch it very gently in a non-stimulating way though and it just feels like touching your crotch but with absolutely nothing to get in the way - pretty much how i always imagined it should feel and it's incredibly gender, to the point my brain struggles to believe it's real. looking in the mirror and seeing it gone feels ,,, really nice. i think it'll take a little bit for this to really feel real, to know deep down that my body's finally the way it always felt like it should've been down there, but that's ok, whenever i feel it or look at it i feel so happy

,, as for a null bulge i'm not sure how that would work, but i think it's possible! i've already seen some heavier null peeps whose crotches looked kinda like null bulges with the extra fat underneath. the surgeon i worked with is very open to any kinda customizations people want that he can realistically do, it'd definitely be worth asking about :3

yep! i guess the assumption here is that there's nothing sensitive left, but as i got a sensitivity-preserving nullification i should be able to paw off no problem. it'll be fun to figure out how to go about it and what works best, but i figure the vibrator i've been using up till now will work well!

this depends on where you get it - i got my surgery from a specific surgeon in the united states, i imagine the rules will be different elsewhere. but this surgeon lets anyone just, schedule a consultation and a surgery, no diagnosis or anything needed. the only caveat is that if you want your insurance to cover it you'll have to follow their rules, for instance mine requires a gender dysphoria diagnosis and a therapist letter (both of which u can get for free in the US, just look it up online!)

so far it's been less "hell yea i have a null patch" and more "oh god they cut me open / oh god there's a tube sticking out of me", as one would expect. i was able to remove the thick initial dressings when i got home though and like ,,,, wow. seeing how tightly my clothes fit around me, the smooth gentle curve, the lack of anything there or anything in the way, being able to feel that and the sensations confirming that yep my body really is like this now - it's so incredibly affirming it almost doesn't feel real. i had a funny moment in the bathroom earlier, i sat down and my hand went to push my dick down so it doesn't touch the bowl (muscle memory and all), but it just went right past my crotch with nothing to stop it and it's such a silly thing but it made me so happy. i'm really looking forward to more things like this.

that's about all i can say about this for now, but i'll give a more proper answer once i've had time to experience it <3

as for weight restrictions, this is unfortunately not something i asked about. a lot of surgeons will outright not do bottom surgeries on bigger people, but a lot of the pics i looked at for reference when deciding on whether i'd want this surgery were of bigger body types (usually "bears"), so i don't think the limit is too strict if there is any.

h.

(the sensitive bits are still in me, as for the rest of it i am kinda curious what they do with it afterwards)

the blog post gives a thorough explanation but in short, i never wanted a vagina of any sort, i figured out i love dicks but not on me, but this feels just right.

good question! as i understand it vaginoplasties create a lot of areas that are not meant to have hair on them, whereas with this surgery the only exposed flesh bit is the pee hole. nobody i talked to mentioned anything about getting electrolysis and i didn't get it or even think about getting it prior to surgery - i can't say for sure but i really don't think it's necessary for this.

<3 thank you

resources

here's a few useful resources that might help if you wanna look into getting it yourself

• list of surgeons that do this type of surgery in the US
• blog post by fluffy about their experience with getting the surgery (& more resources)
• link to where i had the surgery done
• "doll parts or neogenitals evangelion; a user manual to a transfem with no genitals"
• "let's touch scars!; a nullbutch sex diary volume 1 by nullodyke"

credits

• image 5 by liahzagarl
• image 6 by ljrmr

thanks for reading <3

addendum 1: it hit me the other day that i did, in fact, have an immense amount of bottom dysphoria, i was apparently just really good at repressing it to the point i just wasn't actively aware of it at all. oh well! all gone now

edit history

2025-02-04: added more resources
2025-03-08: fixed a broken link 2025-04-11: fixed another broken link (ugh)

back to top