my history with social media as an artist

& why you won't see my art on bluesky

in 2017 i was mostly active on twitter. i had not really been posting anything at this point, i mostly just followed artists i admired. i was surrounded by a culture of "popular" (read: with many followers) artists interacting with each other, quietly looking down on anyone who did not have the numbers. i was a dumb kid and i didn't know how stupid and pointless this was, i just wanted to be a part of the cool kids club. so i started drawing.

starting out as a twitter artist

it wasn't the only reason i was drawing, i also wanted to get good at something and to not feel like i was just wasting my time, but deep down, it was my main reason. i'd draw a thing, post it, see how it did, then move on to the next. at first, it didn't bother me that i got nearly no interactions, i figured i was new to it and that it'd take a while to get to where i wanted. i figured this is how all the big artists stared

then i got better, and better, i started putting more and more effort into my art, i was proud of my work. but the numbers stayed the same. i saw others around me putting way less effort into their art, being way less skilled, and getting all the numbers. i saw this as a personal failure. there was something i wasn't doing right.

i put more and more work into my art, pushing myself, drawing as much as i could so the algorithm wouldn't stop showing my stuff to the few people that followed me. i started getting really depressed over it.

tumblr

at some point around 2018/2019, i started posting my art to tumblr. tumblr's layout combines all likes and comments and shares into one number, tucks notifications away and doesn't show anyone's follower count. i had no idea how to see someone's value in the way i had been taught, it was really confusing at first. but eventually, as i started getting used to it, i started to see i could have fun drawing without worrying about the numbers. i started to deprioritize twitter, i started posting my art to furaffinity as well since i liked it as a gallery site. deep down my goal was still to be popular and a part of the cool kid's club, but i was letting myself have fun with drawing now.

then came tumblr's porn ban.

the return

only a small portion of my art was nsfw, but still, to be forbidden from sharing that altogether because daddy apple no likey seriously upset me. after a little while i stopped posting my art to tumblr and returned to twitter. i had grown out of wanting to be popular and a part of the cool kid's club, i had a small but dedicated following whom i appreciated so much.

despite that, because of how twitter is designed, the obsession with numbers returned. i'd tell myself it didn't bother me, but every time a drawing didn't get as many likes as i expected it to i'd get very depressed over it. i based my value as a person entirely on my ability to produce art. this continued until 2022.

the exit

in april of 2022, twitter was acquired by a very influential fascist. i figured maybe things would be ok, but as soon as protections of trans people were removed from the ToS i was gone. by this point, i had gone back to and left tumblr multiple times, the platform didn't seem like it had a future, i needed a different place to go

i saw shugo make an account on and talk about this platform i had never heard of before, cohost. i figured i'd give it a try, who not, right? i liked the aesthetics and the tumblr-like layout.

it took a little getting used to, not being able to see any numbers was weird but i figured it didn't bother me. i made sure to share my account on twitter and enough of my most active followers followed me on cohost that i figured i could make the switch. i announced that in two weeks i'd be deleting my twitter account, and then i did.

the healing

over the next two years i'd come to realize just how much harm twitter had done to my mental health. my entire relationship with art had been built on numbers. i was basing my entire self worth on my ability to create art, to be the artist people followed. this could not continue

i was so burnt out. i noticed i was putting way less effort into my art now. i was not drawing as much as i used to. drawing brought me no joy anymore, it was just an obligation

i have an innate need to create, so i couldn't just stop, just give up. i figured i'd take it slow, draw only when i felt like it. i wouldn't push myself anymore. i'd find other things i enjoyed, teach myself to be a creature first and an artist second. i began to heal. i made a lot of discoveries about myself and i was able to use my art to explore them. it was so nice to have motivation to do art again, to not feel it was an obligation.

the death of eggbug

just when i felt like things were stable and i had found a healthy relationship with myself & my art, cohost announced it would be shutting down. i won't get into how this made me feel and the things that followed. but i found a new home on critter cafe, which itself was on fedi, a place i used to loathe. it's tough, it's not cohost, but it's close enough where i can be comfy being myself and sharing the art i like. there's no numbers to worry about. i'm surrounded by a whole bunch of other ex-cohost users who get it

i lost touch with about 2/3 of the people i was in touch with on cohost. some chose to go to bluesky, others left the social internet entirely. i can't say i wasn't tempted to make a bluesky account too, just so i could follow people there, but just going there and seeing that it looked and felt exactly like twitter triggered a traumatic response in me and i knew i just, could not.

bluesky

bluesky is literally just twitter as it was when i left it. it's the same thing, started by the same people with the same values. i noticed some people who i was following on fedi had gone quiet only to move to bluesky. fedi sucks, i'm not gonna sugarcoat it, i get why people would want to go back to something familiar too. but it just, hurts.

twitter hurt me so much. i'm exactly the kind of person their whole business model preys on... despite that, i ended up making an account on bluesky. i don't intend to be posting anything there, or even talk about anything. i'm just going to use it to follow the few people i care about most who i can't be in touch with elsewhere. the only reason i'm able to do this is because of a userscript beeps shared with me that hides all the numbers.

as soon as i feel even the slightest bit of my obsession with numbers returning, i'm out. i can't and i won't do this to myself again.

closing words

i don't really know how to close out here. if you managed to get this far, thank you for reading through my ramble. i hope my unwillingness to move to bluesky makes a little more sense now. take care