hi ! i'm a nonbinary transgender furry and this is a blog post about my gender affirming surgery. i talk about very sensitive personal things here for the sake of helping inform others of this surgery's existence as an option, what it involves and what it's like. for the sake of making sure this can stay up as a public resource, i would greatly appreciate it if you did not share this via accounts that are primarily used to post "nullo" porn. thank you.
⚠️ content warnings for this blog post:
adult artwork, discussion of sexual and medical topics, genitals and dysphoria
hello ! it's been a while since my initial blog post about my surgery. a lot's happened since then ! if you haven't read the first post yet, i'd recommend reading it before you read this one, there's a lot of important context !
i'm going to break this up into a few parts for clarity. the first part is going to focus on my experience with recovery ! it's not pleasant to talk about, but when i was looking into this myself i wasn't able to find any information on what to expect online - everyone else seems to just write about the good times. you have to be the change you want to see in the world, sometimes!
if you'd like to just skip to the fun part, there's no shame in that! the recovery part gets really gross and negative. only read it if you really want to! here's a link to the more fun part
also please keep in mind that all of this is written from my perspective as someone who was born with a dick. i have heard of a similar surgery being available for people born without one, however i don't know anything about it myself. sorry!
the recovery
⚠️ content warnings for "the recovery" section:
medical, surgical, blood, depression, bodily functions
the first few weeks
i wrote a little bit about the start of my recovery journey in the initial blog post, but it had only been like, a week? after the surgery at that point - which isn't very long at all!
to summarize what i wrote about there: i got out of the hospital after about 3 days. my stay there was alright, everyone treated me well, i didn't get misgendered even once! i can't say i experienced that in a medical setting before. i went home with the catheter (pee tube) still in me, and it would stay in until 10 days after the surgery. i was encouraged to walk around as much as felt comfortable as that's supposed to promote healing. i couldn't lift heavy things or be too active, but with the amount of discomfort i was feeling it wasn't particularly hard.
i spent most of my time lounging on the couch, relaxing, not moving around much. the catheter made any movements very uncomfortable. i didn't really feel it when i was sitting still, but moving around quickly reminded me that i had a tube inside me. along with the tube i had a bag strapped to my thigh, which would hold my pee. i had to empty this bag whenever it got full. it got annoying pretty quickly. other than that it wasn't too bad!
after the first 7 days though, things got way worse very quickly. suddenly i was constantly aware of it in me, my urethra hurt and burned a lot, emptying the bag hurt somehow, there was blood in it. ow. ew. nothing out of the ordinary, but it was awful. i would have had the catheter out of me by this point if i haven't had to reschedule my appointment due to a certain political event taking place in the city where i was supposed to go for this (washington dc on inauguration day, if you're curious). anyway. 3 days later i got it taken out. it hurt real bad for about half a second, after which it was fine. suddenly i could walk around no problem, no more burning, no more pain - i thought this would be much worse!
an interesting thing about having a catheter is that you don't ever feel like you have to pee. feeling that again was interesting, especially as i would now have to figure out how to pee using my new equipment. i thought for sure it would be at least tricky, or that i would have trouble holding the pee in as most of the stuff down there was now gone. but nope! it was easy, i just sat down and went, no problem at all.
it did feel very weird at first, though. like, as those of you with a dick will know, it takes a while after your brain sends the "pee" command for the pee to actually come out of you, as it has a fair bit of tubing to travel through. you're used to how it feels moving through there, and you know at which point to expect it to come out of you. suddenly. it was coming out of me way sooner than i expected. it was really strange! took me a while to get used to. i would also try to readjust my dick after sitting down to pee a few times, only to realize it was now gone, which made me feel kinda nice.
blood
other than the catheter, the first 2 weeks were alright. everything was swollen and bruised and sore, i couldn't really move around or do much, but i wasn't expecting any different so mentally i was pretty unbothered. nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was smooth sailing! plus the surgery was still so recent the joy of it kinda blinded me to how bad things felt. also, the painkillers helped for sure. mmm. opioids.
but then! i started bleeding !!
i didn't really bleed at all until that point. i was wearing menstrual pads in my underwear and there was a tiny bit of blood on them, but i only had to change them once a day. and then, one day i woke up with my underwear completely soaked in blood, along with a lot of blood on my bedsheets and covers. oh no. i don't think i ever saw that much of my own blood before. i'm very squeamish and prone to anxiety, too. i was terrified, shaking. i didn't know this was a thing that could happen.
i got in touch with my surgeon, who is thankfully always really quick to respond, even outside of working hours. what i found out was that this was not fresh blood, but the blood clots that had formed after the surgery starting to liquify, which usually happens at the two week mark. the blood was draining through two small holes in the incision line. it was really dark and viscous. i really, really wish someone had told me this could happen. i was so fucking scared.
even once i knew everything was okay, i was not. i feel like this kind of broke me out of that initial period of joy and ignorance. suddenly i was very aware of the fact that they cut me open and how fragile i was. the bleeding didn't just stop, either. suddenly i was changing my pads several times a day, along with throwing out underwear that got soaked from the sides of the pads. not,,, good. i was constantly thinking about the worst, worrying about every little feeling, every little change i noticed. i couldn't stop thinking about it ! i have ocd which only made things worse as i was now obsessing over this. i had one friend who had gone through this surgery before, but they didn't go through this during their recovery, which only made me worry more.
i was not doing great !
missed milestones
it felt like i was healing way slower than i was supposed to. i was told i should expect certain things at certain points, but i kept missing the milestones. everything looked and felt so bad down there. part of why i wanted my dick gone was that it was constantly begging for my attention - now i had a bleeding wound doing the same, except worse. i had to be very mindful of it as to not hurt myself or make things worse, it was always at the forefront of my mind. i was really depressed. i felt like it would never end.
i never felt like i regretted it, at least. it only took imagining what having a dick was like for a split second to go "yep, still worth it". i had come to realize over the past few weeks just how bad my bottom dysphoria actually was.
i made a lot of notes to mention how awful this part was as i was worried i would forget about it, and i wanted to make sure others who read this who might go through the same someday at least know what to expect. i really wished i had someone to turn to for advice (someone who experienced similar things, anyway), but thankfully i made it through without. thanks in large part to my friends and owner who were there for me, let me vent and supported me mentally. thank you.
over time things got better, thankfully. the bleeding wouldn't stop until the 6 week mark, but by that point i was able to not think about it and enjoy life, as much as my wound allowed me to, anyway. i was supposed to be able to try pawing off at the 1 month mark, but considering i was still bleeding i didn't try.
slow progress
after this, things mostly evened out. my healing was relatively slow, but now that i was able to not focus on it it didn't bother me. over the next few months the area's color went back to normal, the swelling went down completely and feeling returned. i was making progress!
,, for the most part, anyway. there's a dimple where the base of my dick was. it's very noticeable when standing or sitting. it bothers me a little, but apparently it's there because there's no fat directly under a dick and it takes some months to redistribute evenly, so i'm not too bothered by it.
the worse part is my urethral opening, the hole i pee out of. it's supposed to be a small slit, but mine doesn't look like that. while the rest of everything healed steadily and slowly started to look more and more like what i was expecting, the urethral opening wasn't making much progress at all. it was still puffy and pink and poking out and gross. i was very self conscious about it. it especially got bad once i learned a friend who had the same surgery with the same surgeon a month after mine wasn't having this issue, theirs already looked like what it was supposed to.
i emailed the surgeon after the 3 month mark and found out that i developed more scar tissue than i should have. it was not, in fact, supposed to look like that. oh well. this made me feel really awful for a while. thankfully i was able to schedule a revision with the surgeon. my insurance is going to cover it fully and i won't have to go under for it or use a catheter again - those two things were my main worries, so i was somewhat relieved. i'm supposed to have the revision sometime in may. i'm really not looking forward to being cut open again, but i'm told the recovery isn't supposed to be bad at all. we'll see.
honestly i guess it's good it happened to me and not someone else since i live only an hour away from the surgical office and my insurance covers this. most of the people who get this surgery with this surgeon fly here from different states or countries. something to keep in mind if you're going to do that, i guess.
note on the hospital stay
i stayed at the hospital for 3 days after the surgery. this was not required as a lot of people do the surgery as an outpatient one and then just stay at a nearby hotel, but i thought it would help with the recovery. while it was nice to have the surgeon come check up on me every day, i don't really feel like it helped me that much in the end. in fact, a friend of mine who had the same surgery with the same surgeon with the only difference being that they didn't stay at the hospital seemed to have a much easier initial recover experience. while i was bedridden for 2 days, unable to get up due to the way they were giving me painkillers, they were up and walking on the day of the surgery. sure this helped me not have to deal with any pain whatsoever, but it also resulted in a lot more blood clotting and it was just a miserable experience overall. i would recommend avoiding the hospital stay and just staying at a nearby hotel, if you have the option and can tolerate a little pain.
the experience
i feel like it's worth it to talk about the day-to-day, the little things, the passive experience of no longer having a dick. because, you know, i still have a null patch even when i'm not doing stuff with it or focusing on it.
how it should be
now that i've had some time to think about my feelings towards this part of my body throughout my life without it actively making me feel miserable, i realized for just how long i've wanted this thing gone. i distinctly remember moments from my early childhood, long before i even knew what sex was, where i was stood in the bathroom, staring at this,,, thing, between my legs, feeling like something was wrong. i didn't necessarily always dream of having a null patch, but i did always want this thing gone at some level.
initially after the surgery it was really exciting, a dream come true. i was so happy about it. but eventually those feelings evened out and it just feels, normal. like how things should have been down there to begin with. it's really nice, being closer to my ideal body. it's hard to put my feelings on this into words, honestly ! it's like an alarm that was constantly going off in my head for so long that i learned to ignore it and it's suddenly just, quiet. i don't really think about the fact that i have a null patch very much because it just feels like, "duh", like what else would i have. it feels right.
physical experience
something that made me very happy is that i can now wear form-fitting clothes without my dick ruining everything. i used to wear leggings before the surgery too, but i had to tuck and i was constantly worried it had come undone and that my dick was now making its presence known. no more of that! it took some getting used to, but i can now wear whatever i want with no worrying whatsoever about whether others can see my dick. and it feels so comfortable, too. feeling the fabric against my skin, how it wraps around my curves in a way that would not have been possible before, it just feels so nice and gender. i still sometimes just, put my hand down there and feel how flat it is and feel all fuzzy and nice knowing my body is like this now, forever.
something else that used to bother me a lot was the fact that with every movement of my body i could feel that stupid thing down there flapping about, constantly making its presence known. especially when naked - i could not be naked without feeling uncomfortable and self conscious, finding it hard to focus on anything other than that ugly thing down there. i don't get any of that anymore. i can move my body however i want to and there's no extra organ begging for attention. i can be naked and feel comfortable. honestly whenever i'm lounging around naked it's so hard to make myself put clothes on because it's just so comfy. it's wonderful.
honestly a lot of this comes down to just, not having to deal with unwanted sensations anymore. i feel so much more comfortable in my body now that it's gone.
phantom feelings
i'll only touch on this briefly, but it's not uncommon to have phantom sensations after a major surgery like this while the nerves get used to the new configuration. this can last for months, up to a year (iirc).
for me, personally, it definitely still felt like i had a dick for the first ~4 weeks. not always, but a lot of the time it still felt like it was there, just like, tightly tucked in. after the first 4 weeks i still felt it occasionally, but over time it became more rare. at this point (about 4 months in) i don't get phantom feelings at all. at no point does it still feel like i have a dick, it's its own thing and it feels like it.
not quite perfect
ignoring the thing i talked about in the recovery section, i'm very happy with my results. it's still wild to me that this is possible and that i was able to get this.
with that in mind, there are a few things to note that aren't quite perfect. these come down to limitations imposed by the anatomy the surgeons are working with.
the most obvious one is the scar in the middle. it's a lot more faint than i expected it would be and i honestly like it being there as a reminder, but it's something to be mindful of
a less obvious thing i don't think i saw anyone talk about is the bump. in order to preserve sensitivity, a part of the tip of the dick is preserved under the skin. it's not much tissue, but it creates a sort of a bump over the sensitive spot. it's not really visible normally, but it can be felt there. since it's erectile tissue, when i'm aroused it becomes a little more noticeable, but still not to a point that bothers me.
and lastly the erectile tissue around the urethral opening. for people born with a dick, the urethra is surrounded by erectile tissue, and this continues into the body. removing it entirely would require separating the tissue from the urethra, which in a lot of cases leads to incontinence (losing control over holding pee in). most surgeons who do this surgery usually leave the tissue in place around the urethral opening. this unfortunately leads to the area becoming sort of, pronounced, when aroused. it can look kinda weird and it's something to be mindful of.
that's all i can think of in terms of this.
the fun part ;3
finally ! the fun part. so like. i've had plenty of time to test out my new equipment at this point. and wow has it been fun.
the first attempts
were not quite successful. i think the first time i tried to paw off was abouttt,, 6 weeks? after surgery, or so. i wasn't really sure how to approach it - my whole life i've had a dick and i knew how to make myself feel good with that, but that was all gone now. i tried just kinda rubbing it at first and like, wow.
they said that only like 30% of the sensitive tissue from my dick would be preserved, not including the foreskin which had always been the most sensitive part for me. i figured that'd lead to greatly reduced sensitivity and i was fully prepared for it. but nope. just rubbing it a little felt so incredibly good, i couldn't stop myself from involuntarily squirming. i tried using a vibrator on it, but even at the lowest setting it was far too strong. it was strange, even after moving it away it felt like the bits inside were still vibrating afterwards. i figure that was just the nerves still adjusting.
the first time i rubbed myself for about 30-40 minutes straight. when i had a dick it wouldn't take me long to cum at all, usually less than 5 minutes. i kinda really didn't like that. after the ~40 minutes i was completely out of stamina and exhausted. for the whole second half it felt like i was so close to cumming, but i just couldn't get over the edge. i really didn't wanna give up, but by the end i knew it wasn't happening, it felt so frustrating to stop because i felt way more needy and pent up than i did when i started. which ,,, i'm into denial and that was really hot, heh. i just sort of laid there for a bit, naked and defeated, it felt so nice.
for the past few years i've been pawing off like exclusively through a blanket by just sorta, rubbing over my dick, pretending it was a null patch (or using a vibrator, which, if u haven't tried a magic wand vibe god do i recommend it). it was the only way i could get off that didn't make me feel bad about my body. it feels so, so nice to not have to pretend anymore. for my body to just be the way i always felt like it should be. i was worried at first it'd kinda feel like i was stimulating a dick just sorta hidden under there, and there were moments when it kind of did, but really it just feels like its own thing, like how i always imagined a null patch would feel.
the first orgasm
it took me 2-3 weeks of trying to manage it for the first time. which is surprisingly fast! for a lot of people it takes months, sometimes a year, or more.
at that point it had been two and a half months since my last orgasm, i was so pent up. i tried a bunch, my attempts lasting 30 minute to an hour, always feeling so good the entire time. but it was never enough! i just couldn't cum. it was frustrating but,, good. idk. i was really into the idea. orgasm denial without any tools, without pretense or rules. i could try as much as i wanted, but i just couldn't cum no matter what. i def wouldn't have liked this long-term, but for a while it was nice.
anyway. eventually i managed it after an hour of trying, and god, it felt so good. easily the best orgasm i've ever had. an interesting thing is that when i had a dick, the orgasms were always very centered around it, even after years of hormone therapy. but now i just kind of, feel it throughout my whole body. anyway, it felt so intense and lasted a good while. afterwards i just kinda laid there for a good while, enjoying the afterglow. i felt so nice, and not just from the orgasm. it was really euphoric to think about the fact that i came with my null patch for the first time. and that i could ,, i was definitely a little worried i wouldn't be able to for a long while.
figuring out the new equipment
i don't really paw off all that much, usually like, once a week at most. i could manage to cum now, but it was after an hour of trying and a significant physical workout. this meant that deciding to paw off meant dedicating an hour of my time to it and being ready for all the work i'd have to put into it, so i didn't try as much as i used to. but eventually i'd always get horny and pent up enough that i just, had to do it. for the first month or two i could only manage it sometimes, about half of the times i tried at most. i tried to figure out if there was any logic to when i could and couldn't do it, but it seemed completely random. it was kinda hot, not having any control over it. but also admittedly a little frustrating.
also, an interesting thing i hadn't considered before is that rubbing a null patch for an hour at a time makes the skin feel all sore, which would often mean i'd have to wait a bit for it to recover before i could try again. i tried using lube, but that made it too slippery to be able to pleasure myself effectively.
eventually the nerves had settled enough that i could try with a vibrator. and so i did ! and perhaps unsurprisingly it felt really good. it still feels too intense directly on my skin, so i use it through a blanket. but it works really well! this way i don't have to worry about the skin being sore.
nowadays it's not really as much of a struggle to cum anymore. it still takes me about 10 minutes or more, which is way longer than it used to, but i like that! especially because it feels really good the entire time. i think the nerves have settled enough now, since i can manage it almost every time. it all feels so intuitive, my dick always felt kind of foreign to me, but this all just inherently makes sense, both in the way i interact with it and in the way it feels.
what feels good
by glub
here's a few notes on what does and doesn't feel good.
the main thing is that not the whole thing is erogenous. most of it just kinda feels like my crotch used to before, still sensitive but rubbing it won't really do anything (other than tease me,). if you wanna make me feel good you have to focus on and around the sensitive spot - which is not particularly hard to find.
in terms of rubbing, what seems to work the best is like, placing my fingers on the skin over the sensitive spot and then rubbing the skin back and forth or in circles to pleasure the spot underneath, instead of like, rubbing my fingers over the skin. the latter doesn't really do much, other than tease me.
i enjoy way more pressure on the area than i thought i would. it feels good to get kinda rough with it, rub hard and stuff. but not too hard! that's still very much uncomfortable. it's just, not as delicate as i imagined it would be.
the area around my pee hole feels strangely nice to stimulate. i think it has to do with some erectile tissue being preserved there. either way it's nice to just place a vibe over it and leave it there, or rub gently.
a vibrator feels amazing, especially if you press it against the sensitive spot and rub. HOWEVER. i very much don't like it directly on my skin. it's too strong and uncomfortable. what feels best is to use it through a thick blanket, that spreads out and dampens the vibrations enough for it to feel really good. it does feel nice to put it directly on the pee hole, though.
an interesting thing i discovered is that if i place the vibe between my pee hole and sensitive spot, like, where my balls would have been, and press down hard enough, it feels really, really good. what i think is happening is that without all the tubing and erectile tissue in the way i'm able to stimulate my prostate directly from there. it feels very different to how pleasure from the sensitive spot or pee hole feels, much more, like, deep. idk, it's hard to explain. i'm personally really not into butt stuff at all, so i've never had my prostate stimulated, so i can't say for sure that that's what it is - but based on where everything is in there it seems right!
i'll also mention that everything feels way, way better than it did when i had a dick. my dick was definitely more directly sensitive, but it was not in a way i enjoyed. everything now is kinda indirect, vague and deep in me, instead of being focused on one specific spot. i much prefer it this way. honestly, i couldn't be happier with how everything feels and works. it's everything i wished for and more <3
outside of the vacuum
⚠️ content warnings for "outside of the vacuum" section:
depression, alienation, financial, systematic oppression
so far, the entire blog post has focused on my experiences in a vacuum. but, alas, we live in a society. i wasn't sure whether i should include this part, but it feels like an important enough part of my experience that i shouldn't leave it out.
guilt
as it turns out, a lot of people want this kind of surgery, both directly around me and otherwise. before i got it i felt so alone in it, only really having like, two friends who wanted to pursue this kind of thing. i was aware of like, 1-2 nb / fem people who had gotten this surgery. no matter where i looked, it was primarily gay men who were interested in or had gotten the surgery. it was isolating.
but after the surgery and after my blog post got around, things quickly changed. a lot of my friends told me they wish they could have this surgery if it was an option for them. for most of them, it's completely out of reach. it's currently completely inaccessible in most countries around the world, and where it is accessible you'll often have to pay out of pocket, which ends up being 10,000 - 30,000USD.
nobody rubbed it in my face how lucky i am to have been able to get this surgery, nobody was mean to me about it, nobody even really mentioned it. but it became really hard to share my joy about this, knowing i'd just end up making a lot of people feel worse. it feels awful, achieving my dreams and bringing my physical shape a lot closer to my ideal while so many others cannot. i know i didn't do anything wrong but i can't help but feel a lot of guilt over it.
i wish there was more i could do to help. at least i can like, write this blog post and share what resources i know of, but it just doesn't feel like enough.
alienation
as real as you let it be; by me
a lot of the time i can't help but feel like a freak in queer online spaces. "null" is a concept that's pretty well known in the furry community, but to the vast majority it's nothing more than a fictional kink. "haha, ur genitals gone, u can't cum now!!". it feels really strange having a body type that's only ever represented in artwork that fetishizes it. i'm not saying it shouldn't be portrayed as a kink, i'm very much into that aspect of it myself and seeing that kind of art is what brought me closer to figuring out my ideal shape, but it feels alienating only ever seeing it as that (with the exception of like, a total of 3 people i know of who draw it as a gender thing).
i worry that if i tell someone who doesn't know me about my shape they're going to think i'm some sort of a freak, having gotten a surgery like this just for kink reasons. there's absolutely nothing wrong with people getting surgeries for kink reasons, i'm very much for full bodily autonomy for everyone for whatever reasons they may have, it's just, not my case... why does my situation have to be different? i'm just a trans person who got a bottom surgery to feel closer to their ideal self. i shouldn't have to feel like a freak just because my goals aren't either of the most commonly pursued goals.
a lot of the time i see people say things like "man i wish null was real, i wish i could be like that". and it's like. do i tell them? do i tell them that it's absolutely a thing one can do? i have done it a bunch of times but i've never received a response or even an acknowledgment of any kind and it just makes me feel like i bothered them with something they really didn't want to hear about.
i don't know. i'm tired. yes i don't have genitals because that's my preferred shape, why does that have to be such a huge deal to everyone. it feels ,,,, really sad, knowing i can't just exist like this without inherently making a statement. it was alienating enough being trans, but now i get to experience this even within the queer community.
overall though
i'm really happy with my decision and the outcome of things. i just, don't really feel comfortable talking about it with people, even my close friends
closing thoughts
i did my best to match the overall vibe of the first blog post, but honestly i'm doing much worse mentally than i was when i wrote the first part. it doesn't have much to do with the surgery just, you know. everything. i'm not really able to detach myself from specific feelings, so please keep in mind that some of the stuff i wrote above may be influenced by how i've been feeling. i just thought i should mention that
it took me a very long time to write this post. i knocked the first one out in the course of about 3 hours, spending the next day editing it and putting it on my website, but this part has taken me months at this point. i rewrote it several times. honestly i wasn't even sure if i was going to put this out there at all, but with how few resources there are out there on this topic i feel like i had to. it's the least i can do to help others who may be in a situation similar to mine.
i had the opportunity to be there for a close friend of mine when they got the same surgery with the same surgeon a month after mine, and it was a very memorable and emotional experience for me, but i decided to leave that out of this blog post. half because i was seriously struggling with integrating it into the flow, and half because i just don't really have that much to say about it that would be helpful to others.
this will likely be the last post i make about this. i'm in a unique position where by writing about this i can do a lot of good, but i am just one critter and there's only so much energy i have. plus writing about things that are this personal gets really draining.
if you have any questions, or if you'd like to see pictures of my surgery results (out of curiosity or to consider whether you want this for yourself, they're not porn), please email me at p@pebb.in
thank you for reading!
edit history
2025-05-08: changed amab/afab wording, added a disclaimer at the top regarding the sharing of this post, updated image descriptions