hi all! it's been a bit, i figured i'd write a quick update.
u may or may not have noticed that i haven't exactly been present online lately. i wouldn't blame u if u didn't! i've never exactly been the most active. there's not really much to it, it's mainly for two reasons:
firstly, my blog posts regarding my surgery have gotten around, and while nothing negative's come out of that and i'm glad that it's helped spread awareness of the whole thing, i've been feeling very exposed online as a result. i can't help but overthink all the people potentially seeing anything i say or share online and how they'd judge me for it, even if that's very unlikely to happen. which ties into the second thing:
i have a very unhealthy relationship with social media and honestly existing online in general. i'd blame it on my time on twitter and how that's shaped how i interact with the online world in a lot of ways but really it's mostly a me thing, specifically something to do with a mental disorder. i was gonna write about the specifics of what that entails here but i honestly need to stop sharing so much about my personal life online.
though my main reason for taking a break from Posting is that i don't feel like i'm doing it for myself. i feel like there's this quota that i have to fulfill - i have to draw enough things, i have to make enough things and they have to be good enough otherwise the people online will no longer like me. i tried a lot of things to help with this but ultimately i always end up slipping back into this mindset. short of just not sharing things online at all i haven't found anything that genuinely helps - so as much as it sucks and as isolating as it feels it's something i need to keep doing, or i may never break free from the cycle.
i've drawn things and coded things and created things in my absence but as much as i'd like to i have to refrain from sharing for now. i'll likely be back, eventually, but i need to build a better relationship with existing online first. this isn't a goodbye, the kind and sweet reactions i've gotten to my work over the years have made me very happy and i've greatly enjoyed the feeling of community i have online but i do need to take a break, however long it may be.
there's this thread i saw shared on cohost when it was shutting down that's really stuck with me. it's something i've been trying to live by since and it feels fitting to close the blog post off with it.
thanks for reading. until next time! pebble
